BEST WAYS TO QUIT SMOKING WITHOUT TURNING INTO AN ASSHOLE MOVIE

That's it for now! There's tons more to learn - don't talk when the movie starts, don't gossip about your co-workers, don't yell at anybody who works for tips for longer than 20 seconds, never talk to strangers about your pecs - but them's the basics. Maybe you can put off the Fourth of August celebration until morning.

BEST WAYS TO QUIT SMOKING WITHOUT TURNING INTO AN ASSHOLE FULL

However, if it's a full month after Independence Day and you're thinking about lighting off some illegal fireworks in the middle of your suburban street at midnight, try asking that important question: Will the joy you get from looking at some lights and hearing a noise for two seconds outweigh the inconvenience of waking up your entire neighborhood - dogs barking, babies crying, everybody trying to get back to sleep to catch a few hours before work tomorrow? Unless you're Jackson Pollock on LSD, you probably don't like pretty colors enough to balance out the fury-debt of an entire residential street. You're being an asshole, but a small and largely acceptable one - like on a cat or something. You're stealing bread to feed yourself, not stealing wallets to feed your mistress' addiction to Prada. It's still kind of a dick move, but it's understandable. She's still going to be pissed at you, and justifiably so, but she's going to be annoyed for a few minutes about something that might potentially turn your life around. If you have to cut a lady off in traffic because you're running late for an important job interview, that's probably not the biggest deal. Hence the really confused look on their faces as I dive-tackle them into the salad bar for using their fingers instead of the tongs - which are right fucking there, seriously. How were those callous, discourteous rule breakers informed of the law? Was there a sign above the entrance to the mall that said 'slow walkers to the left, please'? Did they take a class on the appropriate volume to speak in a public place? Some of us agree on these unspoken rules, sure, but we never consider that the offending party has no idea they're even transgressing. The problem arises when you start harboring private rules: Rules that only you know about and agree to adhere to, but that you still use to judge others. That's how society operates - with a set of expectations we all have to meet to be considered valuable members. Now, the rule thing on its own? That's fine.

But I'm an asshole nonetheless, because I have a very strict set of internal rules for how a respectful and decent human being should operate, and if you violate any of those rules, I will completely write you off from now until the heat death of the universe. Why else would I try to help you, my people? Oh, I don't drive a truck with balls on the hitch or try to fight strangers in bars or anything. You're giving everybody who speaks to you a disclaimer: 'I'm going to be a dick to you, and here's why it's OK and you still have to like me.' A truly confident man would never give enough of a shit to make that statement. The very second you open your mouth to self-identify as 'alpha,' you're admitting that you're too insecure to face life alone and on your own terms. A confident man would shun the very concept of labels because he knows that that's the shit insecure people use to feel accepted. Here's the difference: An alpha male embraces the label because he secretly suspects that he might be a face full of dicks and he needs a way to spin that into a positive thing. See, the alpha mentality slipped through our cultural defenses on the back of an actual truth: Confidence and, yes, even cockiness is attractive. What is an alpha male if not a beloved antihero, a Wolverine or Han Solo type? Did you agree with that statement? You shouldn't have.

I understand why it seems reasonable at first.

BEST WAYS TO QUIT SMOKING WITHOUT TURNING INTO AN ASSHOLE FREE

It was all a giant lie sold to you by Big Energy to trick you into a mild stimulant addiction, an untruth you received free with every three-pack of TapouT shirts. But there never has been, and there never will be. Wouldn't it be nice if there were? If there were some social theory, psychological disorder, or gypsy curse you could use to excuse your off-putting behavior? It sure would. 'Alpha' is just a positive-sounding synonym for 'asshole,' and it is not an acceptable excuse for behaving like a cocksock, because the sad reality is, there is never an excuse for behaving like a cocksock. Modern society has no place for an alpha, a beta, or anything resembling a carnivorous predatory social structure. Some jaded hipster dickhead in lensless eyeglasses that cost more than your house used the entire 'alpha' movement to sell you energy drinks and those shirts that look like douchebag scrimshaw. You are not an alpha male you're just being marketed to.

Best ways to quit smoking without turning into an asshole